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Pokemon, The Robot Apocalypse, and You

I know what you’re thinking. Another post by some old dude who wants to decry Pokemon as the end of the world. Not at all. I’m all for it. And so are our future robot overlords. If those future robotic rulers are watching (and they are) I just want to be on the record here. This isn’t a protest. Just a prediction.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying that Pokemon is the precursor to the robot apocalypse. I’m just saying that when the robots do come for Angry Pikachuus (and they will) it will look a lot less like a battle out of Star Wars and look a lot more like the latest gaming sensation.

Let’s look at the facts. And by facts, I mean products of the overactive imagination of a science fiction writer. When do the robots come for us? If you’ve read a lot of robot apocalypse stories (and trust me, I have) then you know that often the robots overthrow humanity to save it from itself. I’m not here to talk politics, I promise. But I think we can all agree that 2016 hasn’t exactly been a banner year for humans. The time is ripe.

At this point, you’re probably thinking to yourself that this guy is crazy. And maybe I am. OR maybe I’m a prophet of the robot uprising, and the robots just want you to think I’m crazy. Robots are sneaky. They’ll mess with your mind.

Why would the robots launch an all out attack? We’ve all seen the movies or read the stories. The robots attack, wipe out most of humanity except for a small band of dissidents, probably led by a seventeen-year-old girl. Despite overwhelming odds, the group of rebels prevails and sets the world on a better path, while simultaneously fixing global warming.

Here’s the thing: Robots can read. All those stories? What do you think robots do at night? They read every piece of digital literature out there and binge watch Game of Thrones (Hey, give them a break. Robots need entertainment too, and season 6 was awesome.) So if you’re a robot leader and you’re being smart about it, you’ve got two choices. You can eliminate every seventeen year old girl(1), which would be messy at best, and you’ve just got to do it again next year. Or you can find a smarter way.

Why go to all that trouble? Instead, the robots could developbeagle-puppy a game that sucks up everybody’s attention, then the roomba sneaks in and poisons the dog. I know, you’re thinking ‘No! Why would they do that to SirBarksALot?’ If we’ve learned anything from The Terminator, it’s that dogs know when robots are up to no good. Robots know that too, so they’ll take out the puppies in the first wave. Think about that the next time your golden retriever is barking at the automatic vacuum cleaner. Maybe she’s just trying to warn you. You can’t fool a dog(2).

By now, you’re thinking, Holy Crap! He’s right! The dog does bark at the roomba. And now that I think about it, the DVR has been acting funny, too. It’s started! Is it too late? What can I do?

Relax. Pokemon isn’t a presage of a robot takeover. Well, probably not. There’s a small chance. Maybe 20 percent. But more likely it’s just a test by the robot brain trust. Robots don’t work on a human timeline. Robots live forever. Or at least until two days after their warranties expire. They can afford to play the long game, and wait until the right moment to make their move. Be on the look out for next year’s gaming sensation that asks you to tag your neighbor with a radioactive tracking device.

And hey. I could be wrong. Maybe the human race doesn’t end with a robot uprising. Maybe it’s zombies. But that’s another story for another day.

Author’s note: I really don’t have anything against Pokemon, or people who play it. I’m pretty much all for anything that makes you happy that doesn’t hurt anybody else. And the robots are going to win anyway, so it’s no big deal.

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(1) Technically, in the movie version the robots wouldn’t have to eliminate every 17 year-old girl. Just the ones who are plucky, and attractive enough to be the lead in a movie, but not so attractive that they’re unbelievable as a rebel leader. But that’s not really the point.

(2) I mean, you can fool a dog. It’s pretty easy, really. Just look at the old fake-throw-the-tennis-ball gag. But they can still smell robot shenanigans. It is known.

(3) I probably need to learn how to do footnotes better.

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I am a Soldier and a Science Fiction writer. Usually I write about Soldiers. Go figure. I'm represented by Lisa Rodgers of JABberwocky Literary Agency. If you love my blog and want to turn it into a blockbuster movie featuring Chris Hemsworth as me, you should definitely contact her.

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